There is a mysterious feeling I get in the depths of my stomach.
Often strange and rarely explainable but, I feel it enough to know it’s there. Last week this strange feeling brought me cheek to cheek with a dirt road and my own vomit just outside the center of town. I looked down as my stomach churned like a washing machine. The seismic activity swiftly collapsed me to my knees in the most inglorious of fashions, just as the volcano erupted. Blah, colors, colors! Colors everywhere.
But, other times this feeling is different. Two days ago it was the shrill sound of amused voices lightly mixed with children’s laughter that resounded throughout the street as I passed by. It all meant nothing to me until scanning to my right, ever so slightly, I passed a child whose face I vowed not to forget after meeting him two years earlier.
Like an arrow straight to the most joyous parts of my soul, our eyes reunited and there was no stopping this moment. His feet, staunch black, covered in mud from nearby puddles, moved like a lion as he pounced straight into my arms and gave me the biggest of hugs. Dust falling from his feet evaporated into a cloud of irrelevance as it floated away, just like the many years that separated us. Little more than a single syllable could have been spoken between either side, but there was so much more words couldn’t say.
…Who was it that said a single word can amount to more than its novel?…
In that moment, my stomach and heart shared harmony while the colors around me melted together, finding just the right tones of sunlight. It was a gentle action, but not at all gently done; a very remarkable moment had taken place and I liked it.
There is to be no discussion about the third and last of these sentiments, for the very truth, candid as it breathes, reveals itself to be completely and utterly unsolvable.
Around five o’clock pm, just as the sun finished its afternoon and began its dusk, he was rushed into the clinic gates via motorcycle. I could sense from the onset this was different. As Matt yelled my name to assist with the emergency, I rushed into the exam room to find a mother cradling her four-year-old boy, with a plan urgently being mapped out to get the child to Mbale or Pallisa hospital. His eyes, white as snow topped pastures glinting at morning sunlight, or the foam that forms at tops of waves that break upon the neighboring lake here in Agule. The white, a sign of deep anemia, caused by malaria, showed no hints for surrendering the life it was about to take. I never thought a color so pure could do such harm. I imagined myself seeing straight through the boy’s eyes into my own, wondering if I would be laying on this same bed, in this same building, only breaths away, if I had been…just as the mother let out a shriek I am positive only a mother can make.
I am quite sure a shiver ran through her frame, and from it one through mine. In a low, distinctly reverberating, awe-stricken voice, as if I were caught in-between dreams, the child was declared permanently asleep. His short sleeves exposed his dark arms, bare to the elbows. His shoes showed better spent hours on play fields, like a tattered traveler. His cheeks, puffed with volume, told every story of every smile and every wind that blew over shook the hairs on my skin.
I wandered, numb and confused, as if I lost the ability to associate place with sound.
Alas the birds, filled with song and feather, spoke no remorse. And no procession echoed throughout the plywood halls of Agule, just some minutes of silent work passed with frustration. The mesh of perfect sunlight I had loved so much was nowhere to be found, and again, the knot in my stomach turned, getting tighter and tighter.
As I learn, true feelings never leave a man unchanged, and since I first stepped into Africa, three years ago, I’ve been given a great multitude of these moments. Beginning blank, each story’s canvas slowly colors a world where truth and beauty are found between the vivid lines of chaos and commotion. Some, joy, others pain. Some, black, others white.
But all these things, and a thousand like them will come to pass, leaving only moments waiting to be discovered and those to see, no matter what the color.